Home > Uncategorized > When life gives you Lemons…

When life gives you Lemons…

You go play football. Naturally, because of your unparalleled competitive drive, the game is tackle football, not flag or touch, or even the rare form of “3 second hold”. Tackle. Nothing compares to the exhilaration of seeing the pass rush close in from a college-age man in his prime while you deliver a perfect pass over the outstretched arms of the defender. The thrill of being chased by your angry brother because your elbow accidentally hit him in the forehead when he tried to tackle you but it was a complete accident is beyond the typical human experience…

from http://www.flickr.com/photos/kamikins/2740112080/

When life gives you Lemons, you take the snap on the first play of the game, run a quarterback sweep left, properly follow your blockers, get tackled low and hit the ground with the upper part of your body, specifically your head. When life gives you Lemons, you reach the point of impact, black out for a second and contract an instant headache.

Lemons are delicate things. You need to take care of them, but they enjoy keeping busy. Sometimes, the thrill of finishing a traditional 3 hour, padless, Thanksgiving morning football game is too great to ignore. After the family festivities, sometimes these lemons like to drive overnight in the rain to Nebraska from Ohio to stay up late for a weekend and play loud music mixed with free alcohol. These crazy party-animal lemons then drive back home to Ohio on Sunday, sacrificing sleep before returning to the usual Lemon-y grind of work on Monday.

These Lemons aren’t finished yet. They endure an entire week consisting of constant irritability, massive headaches, and lots of sleep. Only then will the Lemons go to the doctor, who orders a CT scan to make sure the lemons aren’t leaking any juice onto their mushy brains. That’s bad.

The Lemons are convinced to go to an outpatient facility to get a simple test performed. This test consists of waiting 20 minutes in a stale, plastic room reading golf magazines before a lady comes and asks them if they’re ready. This lady leads them down a long hallway and into an isolated room. This isolated room doesn’t have anything in it, except a giant circle made of plastic-covered magnets. After putting their head in this magnet tube for 2 minutes, these lemons are shuffled out of the door, left to their own devices…mainly sleep.

The Lemon devices last for over a month. The Lemons are having a wonderful time in their new Lemon-year; a Lemon year promising to hold only good things, like paying off debt and overall satisfaction. These devices lasted – for just over a month. Like a Dodge Neon. The moment of truth came on a Friday (coincidentally, today!) when the Lemons got billed for a buttload of money for just 2 measly minutes inside this magnet tube with the lady who took them away from their golf magazines just watching. A year that promised to be better than the last 2 for these Lemons suddenly took a downturn. All is not lost, but it’s still pretty much a bitch.

There’s not much solved here, but that’s what happens when life gives you lemons. All that stuff. Worst post ever.

  1. Mom
    January 9, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Maybe now you will stop? And, btw, you never told me you blacked out!

  2. G
    January 11, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    The cute little surprise that found it’s way into my mailbox is worse AND better than yours…

    Worse: I am required to pay an oral surgeon $857.33 for the removal of 4 wisdom teeth, which I did not budget for. Insurance, you sure can be a prick sometimes.

    Better: If we put this in terms of an hourly rate, I am paying approximately $342.93/hr. You, on the other hand, are paying in the $16,500 ball-park-range/hr. So I’ve got ya beat in that aspect. Luckily for you, you were only billed for 2 minutes.

    Student loan, you will be suffering for yet another month. I am sorry.

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