Home > Uncategorized > Illinois Sucks.

Illinois Sucks.

These people are from Illinois. Case in point.

It’s like deja vu or a recurring nightmare. Illinois haunts my dreams like I ate an entire half gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream right before bed. I wet my pants too. Jake is pissed. Literally. haha.

Here we careen down the dumpy, pig-infested highways of the state that “boasts” Chicago and our president. I think this state seriously takes some sort of sadistic pride in their failures. Jake just took the wheel after 200 miles, and my favorite road trip partner is ready to rock and roll. Wilco on the stereo makes Illinois not seem so bad.

We’re jacked up about Omaha. It’s a rare occurrence for us to make the 12 hour trek from Cincinnati without a show to play, but there’s something about a holiday weekend that begs a road trip. We realize that our lives are much more exciting than your average working stiff; road trips, shows, collections of musical instruments that we can actually play, friends that live all over the world, and the fact that we are desired by women everywhere (I’m including myself with Jake on this one…)

Omaha should be a good time. Friends, wedding, road trip, relaxation, music, beer. All good things. I’m supposed to be live-tweeting this drive, but so far, it’s been uneventful and it’s hard to tweet while driving. Maybe I’ll make up for lost time by going crazy. Maybe I’ll go crazy trying to make up for lost time.

Have you made it this far? Congratulations! This may be the most boring blog I’ve posted in months. I’ve practically made a living by finding awesome stuff online & giving you links, therefore enriching your lives. I may have undone that enrichment, leaving your brain a sort of grayish brown color steeping in its own rotting brain juices. Kind of like the way you steep a tea bag in hot water right before you drink that delicious tea. Steep.

How long can I keep writing without posting a single link? I’m wondering that myself. Right now I’m up to 341 words. Let’s shoot for 600. Maybe I should take out all paragraph breaks and make this one big chunk of text.

My new name at work is “techie”, because I plugged in a fax machine today & checked for a dial tone. Seriously, no need to applaud – I can’t hear you over the internet. Just paypal me some money and that way I know you approve.

Back to road trips; there is something that I like to call the “Road Trip Uniform”. It consists of wearing a t-shirt, basketball shorts & flip flops – even in the winter. Otherwise you’re not hardcore. Because you’re not hardcore unless you live hardcore. I’m rockin’ the RTU right now, and I couldn’t be more comfortable. Let me just say that there are not many things in this world more uncomfortable to wear on a 12 hour road trip than stretchy skinny jeans with boxers. Everything gets all bunched up and wedged into places I didn’t even know I had. Measures had to be taken to ensure complete confidence & comfort in such situations, and thus was birthed the Road Trip Uniform.

Ok, now that I KNOW nobody’s reading, I’m gonna really take care of some business. DanB & BillE…What’s up with those guys?! I mean, I don’t think Dan’s posted a single thing since both of his hands got caught in the garbage disposal in his sink when he accidentally flipped the switch while trying to retrieve his pet octopus he forcefully stuffed it down there for fun on a whim. I can’t tell, but I think Bill’s been taking the longest poop ever. We may never know.

I’m up to 624 words. What now?! I’m feeling kind of tired, but hungry. Maybe I’ll just eat a little ice cream before I fall asleep. Illinoid. (Remember The Noid?!)

  1. Jerry Kohlbrand
    May 28, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    Boy, I spent my summers in Illinois growin up. Learned a LOT of what I do not know there from my grandfather, who by the Grace of God, could never read or write, so was spared crap like this. May he rest in peace…in ILLINOIS…jus sayin 🙂

    Bro…kickin back and letting my gray matter and rotten brain juices chill.

    Oh, yea..bout Bill’s chick not diggin the blog…hey, she has good taste in men, probably better taste in blog’s. YOU GO GIRL!

    But that did not belong here and is why it is.

    Be safe


    • May 29, 2010 at 12:44 am

      Yeah, my experience of this wasteland still sucks.

  2. maria
    May 29, 2010 at 1:29 am

    Maybe Bill isn’t writing on the blog because he’s trying to disassociate himself from it because of the girlfriend.
    My experience of Illinois is pretty boring too but not as long and boring as Kansas.

    • May 29, 2010 at 11:04 am

      No, that’s not it.

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